The worn leather of the armchair creaked a familiar protest as Michael settled in. Across from him, on the edge of the old sofa, sat David, a man whose face was as familiar as his own reflection, etched with thirty years of shared laughter, quiet commiserations, and unspoken understandings. But tonight, there was a tension in the air, a subtle crack in the foundation of their long-standing ease.
"Thanks for coming over, Dave," Michael began, his voice softer than usual. "There's… something we need to talk about. It feels like there's been a growing misunderstanding, and it's been weighing on me."
David nodded slowly, his gaze steady. "I'm listening, Mike."
Michael took a breath. "I've heard things, felt a distance. And it seems like you, and maybe others, have a picture of me that isn't true. Like I'm… someone I'm not. And I need to set the record straight."
He leaned forward, choosing his words carefully. "I want trans people to have the same freedom and rights as any non-trans person. I want immigrants who are here illegally to have the same chance at the American dream as everybody else. I want women who suffer from rape or ectopic pregnancy to be able to abort without fear of repercussions or judgment."
He paused, letting the words hang in the air, watching David's face for any flicker of judgment or surprise. But David just listened, his expression neutral, attentive.
"It feels like we agree on much more than we disagree," Michael continued, "but sometimes, if you start a conversation by assuming the worst motive in someone, you've already lost. If you think I'm playing devil's advocate, ask me. If you think I'm just being contrary, just to stir things up, ask me that too."
He gestured vaguely. "That's what's missing so often, isn't it? The ability to simply ask, 'What do you mean by that?'"
David shifted, then finally spoke, his voice low. "I… I did have a different idea, Mike. I heard snippets, pieced things together, and honestly, I thought you were coming from a very different place on some of those issues. I attributed motives to you, assumptions about your beliefs, that it turns out, weren't accurate."
A weight seemed to lift from Michael's shoulders, a visible relaxation in his posture. "And that's okay, Dave. That's why we're talking. Because if we can learn to truly understand where someone is coming from, we can at least acknowledge why they think the way they do."
He offered an example. "If someone truly believes that abortion is the killing of a baby, then you can at least understand their fervent desire to prevent it, even if you don't share their premise. If someone believes it's wrong to burn people alive in ovens, you understand why they'd want to prevent that."
David slowly nodded, a thoughtful expression on his face. "You're right. I jumped to conclusions. I filled in the blanks with what I thought you meant, instead of just asking. And it created this… wall." He looked at Michael, a genuine warmth returning to his eyes. "I understand now, Mike. Where you're coming from. Truly."
The tension in the room dissipated, replaced by the comfortable hum of thirty years of genuine connection. The conversation hadn't been about changing minds, but about clearing them, about stripping away the layers of assumption to reveal the person beneath. And in that quiet space, the bond of friendship, tested and affirmed, settled back into its rightful place, stronger for having been truly heard.
A short while later, the two men were laughing about an old memory, the easy camaraderie fully restored. As Michael poured them both another drink, he thought, This is what real friends do. They listen.
Good faith isn't just an attitude; it's a series of actions. It’s the commitment to a shared process, even when the topic is difficult. Here are the core traits to look for and to cultivate in yourself.
1. Intellectual Humility
This is the foundation of all productive conversations. It’s the understanding that your own perspective is incomplete and that you might be wrong. A person with intellectual humility isn't afraid to be proven wrong; they welcome it as an opportunity to learn.
What it sounds like:
"Based on my understanding... but I could be missing something."
"That's a good point. I hadn't considered it from that angle."
"Help me understand what led you to that conclusion."
Why it matters: It turns a confrontation into a collaboration. Instead of two certainties clashing, it becomes a mutual exploration of a topic.
2. The Principle of Charity
This is the commitment to interpreting the other person's argument in its strongest, most persuasive form. Instead of looking for flaws and attacking the ...
10 rules for a productive discussion about controversial topics.
1. The Prime Directive: Argue in Good Faith This is the foundational rule. Both parties must enter the conversation with the genuine intention of exploring the truth, not simply to "win," embarrass, or provoke. Assume the other person is also operating under this principle until proven otherwise.
2. Intellectual Humility: Be Willing to Be Wrong Enter the discussion with the understanding that your current position could be flawed or incomplete. The goal is to refine your own views through challenge, not just defend them at all costs. Acknowledge valid points made by the other person.
3. The Principle of Charity: "Steel Man" Their Argument, Don't "Straw Man" It Instead of misrepresenting your opponent's position to make it easier to attack (a "straw man" ), do the opposite. Articulate the strongest, most persuasive version of their argument you can, and then respond to that. If you're unsure, ask, "So, if I understand you correctly, you're saying ...
In today's digital age, social media has provided a platform for people to voice their opinions and reactions to news stories and events almost instantly. Unfortunately, this has also created a culture where people jump to conclusions and make assumptions without having all the facts. This is particularly true when it comes to issues of race, where allegations of racism can quickly spread on social media and cause public outrage before all the details have been established.
The recent incident involving an 85-year-old man shooting a young black man who was allegedly trying to break into his home is a perfect example of this phenomenon. Before any information had been released about the incident, people on Twitter were actively doxing the alleged perpetrator, assuming that he was a racist who had shot the young man because of his race. However, as more details have emerged, it has become clear that the situation is much more complex than initially assumed.
It is possible that the ...
